Hatsukoi

I suddenly stumbled upon this when i was cleaning my stuff...it's something i wrote for someone not so long ago :)

to love someone with all our heart,

is what you have taught me,

now that i understand how love came to be,

that it seems so naturally,

to love the way you are,

and accept each other's flaws,

still sometimes along the way,

we'll tend to drift apart,

I wish the stars will hold you,

keep you away from harm,

though I may no longer be close to you,

still you'll always be in my heart.

To think that my first love just ended like that, without even starting. But still I'm glad I was able to experience it. I think who I am today, this heartache played a very important role in it. :)

secret (part I)

I'm back! :),, but with not such good news, see I was robbed last saturday.. ya R-O-B-B-E-D, I'm still trying to come to term with it. I really never thought that that kind of thing will happen in real life and to me! I'm still a bit shaken bout the whole incident. Everytime a motorbike passes me, I'll feel that my heart is all caught up in my throat.

It happened when I was on my way to work, 6.20 in the morning btw and I was walking alone at that time. When suddenly a motorbike sped past me. At first I really didn't have a clue what was happening. All I know is that one minute I was walking and the next I felt I was being pulled forward. To be really honest that feeling of being pulled along still haunts me till now. But still Thank God that I was unharmed :). Hmm...apart from the bruises on my right hand, there's not a single scratch on me so thank God for His protection! :)

After all that, I really didn't know what to do. School never taught me how to deal with this kind of situation, not that I'm blaming my school..haha but what I mean is that I really had no idea how to deal with it. I even planned to go to work and then slowly figure it out. Luckily one of my senior came to my aid that day, she helped me called the hosp and took leave for me. Gave me money and asked the driver to send me to the nearest police station .

After settling all the important stuff. I decided to make my first phone call, but I didn't know who to call. Actually it's not that I don't know, there were a list of people I wanted to call: my parents, nlc, nck, all the ngo's, my frens, my housemates, but then I realized that by calling them I might make myself feel better but I'm only gonna make them worry. So I decided to hold back my tears, stiffen up my upper lip and smile. Anyway even if I wanted to call I wouldn't be able to do so since I lost my bag and my phone was in my bag...

to be continued... p.s. sis please keep this from mum and dad ;)

IamNCK !

This is a response post to Mrs. Nice Girl's 200113 post :)

Yup..people can be downright selfish,, in order to protect ourselves we tend to take offence and hurt others. It's a hurt or get hurt world out there...- but not necessary, if we could all just learn to be more grateful with what we have we would be a lot happier :D. Back in my school days, I used to have this phrase written on my exam pad (a.k.a foolscap paper or CP- stands for creative product,,) ahh>> just realized that msian love to call stuff by their brands.. i.e: colgate instead of toothpaste. Ok that's not important...what was I talking about again? Oh ya the phrase, "try to love what you have, don't try to have what you love". I used to hold it dearly to my heart,, cause I guessed I was so afraid of being disappointed but now that I've lived 22 years...(I know it's not that long :P), disappointment is something that all of us will encounter no matter how hard we guard our heart...we can't avoid it but I guess how we react towards it is even more important. Let's always try to be the bigger person no matter what the situation is :). And remember we only live once so let's live it to the fullest and leave behind a legacy :D.

I think my 'karangan' already 'terpesong' la XD.. ahahahhha

P.S. I know you're really doing well in your studies so proud of you sis :)!

Today was the hardest day I've ever been through in my 21 years of living on this planet earth! and why is that you ask?? Well I had to work DOUBLE shift today, and I had to stay back for extra 2 more hours so all in all I worked 16 hours today! Man,, I was so tired,, I had my first and only solid meal for the day at 11.25 pm...and I only get to pee after I left work. See how busy I was...

I almost cried at work today,, everything was so overwhelming,, and I was the only 'runner' today,, so yup I ran,, A LOT! But what really made me sad today was an aunty who kept putting me down.. I tried my best to keep my cool but she really said a lot of hurtful stuff...she kept going on and on about them- I decided to turn a deaf ear. But plus the stress today I guessed I became a bit 'pondan'..I was really on the verge of bursting into tears. I tried motivating myself by humming some songs :D. Then an uncle saw me and asked me why am I still in the hospital at this hour? He said that I came in for work at 7am right, awww....to think that the uncle noticed, I was so touched. Then he asked me what time am I going to go home and how? Before I could answer his question, He asked me this: Your dad is going to come and pick you up is it? I dunno why but at that moment I could no longer hold back my tears,, lucky me the room was a bit dim so I think that the uncle didn't saw my tears...:D

Can never get enough of home

Last night I couldn't fall asleep again,, hmmm...:C I don't know what's wrong... I tried reading the MSN textbook (remember I said it was my dormicum) BUT it didn't work this time: Yea shocking! So I ended up lying on my bed with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling... My body and mind was tired but my eyes just refuse to shut. HUH.

And I started thinking bout stuff...

my family

my working life

my secondary school friends

my weight XD

my 21 years record of no bf...

hmm... 21 years I wonder how I did it? :D haha. But that's not important. So as I was saying, I thought bout my parents, and I felt kinda homesick cause I haven't seen them for 7 months+ (this is the longest ever). Though I do get to talk to them once a week but it's just not the same- hearing their voice through the phone and being able to see and talk to them face to face. I sound like a very filial child right? But sadly I'm not. Sometimes, I forget to call them (cause I was so busy with work - but I really am but I know that's not a good excuse) and I think there was this once I didn't contact them for almost a month. I was so busy 'growing up' that I forgot that my papa and mama are growing old day by day. When I realized my faults...I chided myself and promised to make an attempt to call them at least once a week but when work kicks in I would unconsciously return to the same old cycle. I really despised myself for being like this. For being so bad at prioritizing. Of course my family should always come first! So I'm working hard now to let them know how important they are to me (I've wasted enough time already on stuff that I thought was supposedly important).

Now, I really wish that I can go home more often not just once every 6 months (this was back when I was still studying, now it's even worse). I've calculated... if I can only go back twice a year to see my parents and the maximum days for each of those two chances are 10 days, that means I only get to be with them for 20 days out of 365 days!

20:365

and the rest of my 345 days I'll be here, away from my family, working...so dear bosses,,,if I were to request for a 2 weeks leave I hope that you'll understand that I'm only asking for an extra few days to be added to my 20 days...that's all...:')

Zzzzz

Today I decided to brush up on my knowledge about heart (so I decided to open my MSN - it's a textbook not the social chatting thingy)...yup, after 6 months of abandoning bulky books :P...So there I was reading and reading and owh I fell asleep XD. I really dunno why textbooks make me feel so sleepy??? They're like dormicum to me XD haha.

Neh, the dormicum I mentioned.

yaa, speaking of dormicum, suddenly I'm reminded bout my partner who I used to go posting with: 'dormicum attack!' that's his tagline. Aww, I miss him so much :D...

Complains, complains n more complains...

I have so many things to say,, but let me start with this, (taking a deep breath) and......

I AM SO TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously I'm only 21 and you expect me to take care of sick people?...hmmk, I know it's my job (I really do love it), but really give me a break.

And quit shifting me around. I don't really mind but it's so hard to adjust to the new environment. I feel so left behind and I don't even have time to learn all the new stuff. I feel so bad everytime the pt ask me questions and I'm not sure what's the answer to them.

And everything is so different, paeds and adult... I really miss paeds (cause I'm so familiar with it already). And it's so difficult to work with adults, hmmm........ But I know I need to learn to adapt to my new surroundings - FAST! (I think I need to learn from the chameleon - they're really good with changes XD). This job really teaches you lots of things, esp on dealing with difficult people.

Ok,, I don't feel like complaining anymore...haha, I'll need to work harder from now on! (this fact I'm very aware). I'm not gonna give up that easily,, sticks and stones may break my bones, but not my heart cause it's harder than stones! (OK......that doesn't sound right, haha XD)

A turning point?

Each and everyone of us must have encountered something or came to a point in our lives where we're at our lowest...I remember mine like it just happened yesterday. - I love writing essays though I never pass them up. XD

I was 17 at that time, at the peak of my life - I had everything a girl could ask for...great friends and a really smart guy beside me. For me at that time I thought I couldn't possibly wish for anything more, I was really happy and if my time was up then, I would just leave, really I'm not joking - I didn't have a single regret (mind you I wasn't a believer yet at that age).

But with time everything came spiraling down.I couldn't continue the secret relationship with the guy ( I dunno if it's just me but when you cherish something or someone so much you'll tend to hurt them even more by making one-sided decisions that you thought was the best for everyone - so yes, I selfishly decided to end it ); and on the same week I had a really bad quarrel with my bestest friend and our friendship came to a full stop. There were so many stuff all going wrong as well at that time (I'm not gonna mention them here). But the bottom line is that I had never felt so lonely in my life.

Loveless and friendless

...but I wasn't really friendless, I had a few friends who stood through those really tough times with me...thanks guys I am really blessed. But even with friends by my side I still miss my old life (I guess humans are really hard to be satisfied). I came to a point where I wanted to take my own life - now that I thought of it, thank God! that I'm still alive and breathing now. I must have been really depressed to be thinking like that back then.

I guess now you're wondering what does this story have to do with the title? I'm getting to that part: The turning point came when I went back at home for school breaks (with my broken heart and suicide thoughts and all). I had a dream one day. In that dream I just reached home from school and was placing my luggage in my room (I studied at a boarding school). On my way to the kitchen I noticed the door of the room on my right was closed...in my house my mum always and I mean always keeps the door wide open during day time, "it's to ensure good ventilation" she says. So I had a "haa? did my mum break her habit?" moment. When I was about to turn the doorknob my mum scolded me to not be disrespectful and told me there's a guest in the room. I felt somehow betrayed and threw a tantrum right there and then, in my mind that is (how can my mum just decide on her own to rent out a room...fine I know there's lots of empty room in our house, but that room is our storeroom - we keep our toys...ahem stuff there!)

But I didn't say anything, nodded my head to show that I understood and walked off...truth be told I was really curious who was the renter. So when my mum wasn't looking I opened the forbidden door. I saw a guy (I'm not sure how I know it was a guy since He had long hair and I can't see his face)... maybe because it was a dream that's why I didn't freaked out when he extended his hand outward towards me like welcoming me into his embrace. At that time I didn't know what hit me but I ran into those arms without even thinking twice and I kid you not, for the first time I felt so calm and at ease - not a care in the world... all my burdens, my sorrows disappeared just like that. And I felt that I've known Him since a very long time. When I woke up, my face was wet. I cried in my sleep.

I bet you're asking now what is so special about that dream that it became the turning point in my life? Hmm, I'm not so sure myself. But for someone like me who has a problem in voicing out her thoughts...that dream took away all of my anxieties by letting me know somehow I was not alone. And........a year ago (I was 16) I had the same dream (but I was in school at that time). Everything was identical; the conversation, the color of my luggage...well, you get my point. Except that time I didn't opened that door, I woke up before I had the chance. I told a friend bout my dream and she told me it was God...I didn't buy it 100% but I didn't ask further (didn't want to be insensitive). Just a coincidence? I dunno, yeah maybe, I thought so myself too :D,, but that didn't change the fact that it made me felt a whole lot better :).

But I didn't became a believer till much later on,,,I was as stubborn as a mule (so it's gonna take more than that to be able to convince me). But God didn't gave up on me. And how did I know it was God?,,Hmm...The fact that I'm still here today, I think that's the biggest evidence I have. :)

It's time to turn over a new leaf

Hmm, I thought really long and hard before I decided to post this here, hmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, and I am still wondering should I do so...haih

I had a dream this morning, the dream was brief but for me it felt like it took up my whole 24 hours. So yeah, about the dream I mentioned. It was a total daze but in a way I kinda knew what was going on - in my dream the world was coming to an end! See I knew I shouldn't post this now someone will think I must be an id_ot. YET this nagging deep within me just wouldn't let me rest in peace, so here we go:

All I can remember is I was with another friend in my dream, and then suddenly wham! There were no visible sign of the END, but there was a voice (right now I don't remember what I heard) but I remember feeling so afraid and regretful. And at that moment - the first thing that came to my mind was my family; my mum, my dad, my brothers and my sisters. I really wanted to call them, so badly that I was crying, but I don't have a phone with me in my dream - in real life I wouldn't go anywhere without my phone huhu.

While I was praying and hoping for a second chance cause I know I'm not a good person (I was repenting all the not so proud things that I've done,, thoughts about "I should have called my parents more often", "Should have been more 'forgiveful'.", "Should be more thankful" just kept flooding my mind)

, my friend turned to me and started to cry. I didn't know what to tell her - "that it's ok, everything's gonna be alright" just don't sound that convincing in this situation. I mean I was panicking myself. The thought of never going to see your love ones ever again scares me. I knew it was too late but I kept thinking I would do anything if I was given another chance to live.

And suddenly I was awake, on my bed, wandering was it all just a dream. I even went to peek out of the window to see if there's any signs of living. After that I laughed at myself for doing so. Then it had me thinking

what if it was for real, not something that I can wake up from and then laugh and go about with my daily routine?

We all know that the END it's real and it's coming. We may not know the exact time or day and it's not our job to calculate or predict it. But I do know we should use whatever time we have that God has given us to the fullest. Though it was just a dream and really thank God it was a dream! - to me it was a

wake up call

. I guess we don't really know what's important until we're about to lose them. And for me, I don't want to go through those feelings of regret a second time. So I'm gonna use this 'second chance' given to me; to really treasure what I have now and to work on what I lack. I want to be a better daughter, friend, employee or even , a stranger that can put a smile on another stranger's face :).

And,, mum,dad,siss and bros: I love you guys so much, really so much. :)

I'm wide awake

It's 2o13 man!

So here's the deal, last night was my very FIRST!

time doing night duty, nope, I wasn't sad, a bit surprised since I was still a junior and all - then my friend asked me am I nervous? I just said "I'm ok" in a very calm manner XD ( But only God knows how anxious I was :P ) but at the same time I felt happy that they trusted me enough to let me do this,, yeah I feel I'm becoming more adult-like :D. So there I was, it was new year's eve,, ( you could say that I had no life but look on the bright side I'm experiencing something new here!)- I seriously needed to motivate myself at that time and this is what I came up with in such short span of time :D. But it wasn't that bad I did get to see fireworks,

uwaaa, fireworks!! got me all excited but really those buildings can you move aside a bit? your blocking my view :P

ok, it's over so back to work! :D

Hmm to think I spent my last few hours of 2o12 working,,

and I think it's safe to mention it here ( I was whatsapping with my friend the whole night )